Unarticulate.

twats

2009-03-29T03:54:45Z

gavin newsom is hot..less than a minute ago from web
@tbsnewagain what is pabst??6 minutes ago from web in reply to tbsnewagain
@flybeta hellooo...8 minutes ago from web in reply to flybeta
'bout to go out and get pulled over on purpose..9 minutes ago from web
still no police sirens. eerie. pulled over for an ambulance yesterday but that was in another city. wake up OPD!10 minutes ago from web
started drinking too early. shut out the lights for earth hour but thats the best i can do. it's too feckin quiet!11 minutes ago from web
cuddle session w/ lou lou dog then powernapabout 2 hours ago from web
Revlon's line of matte finish lipsticks > MAC's Retro Matte lipstick collectionabout 2 hours ago from web
LashStiletto: wack! no patent leather shine wont seperate too wet ends up on my skin wont hold a curl n stinks like dying flowrs n crank o.Oabout 2 hours ago from web
memorial for fallen OPD officers today. i havent heard a single police siren all day. RIP Officers Dunakin, Romans, Hege & Sakai4:37 PM Mar 27th from web
but you're neither friend nor foe tho i can't seem to let you go. the one thing that i still know is that you're keeping me down6:10 AM Mar 27th from web
is it too early for a nightcap? i need to catch up with mr sandman fast -_-5:06 AM Mar 27th from web
@likesaeken kay. meet u in the valley of hos 2mrw? prodigy at the warfield may 29th. i'd much rather go w/ you. timber???4:51 AM Mar 27th from web in reply to likesaeken
youre right. even when he drops and gets down like a man is hella hotter than if he just dropped it lol1:50 AM Mar 27th from web
you can't have all my love, you can't have all my love, you can't have all my love, but you can have me for toniiight12:54 AM Mar 27th from web
@VeronicaVoltage even when i drop it, i'm down like a man? ...and now youre just a boy, but i can hardly tell and no one really cares12:45 AM Mar 27th from web in reply to VeronicaVoltage
@VeronicaVoltage in my bones in my bones, i could feel it in my bones, there's a trigger deep inside of it12:05 AM Mar 27th from web in reply to VeronicaVoltage
@shibbyshiksa ha, ha, ha. show me whatchu got.10:58 PM Mar 26th from web in reply to shibbyshiksa
is so so fresh ;D ER is on. BYE10:25 PM Mar 26th from web
gonna go train my voice for awhile until ER comes on! only 2 episodes left =[8:15 PM Mar 26th from web
had a weirdass dream that jimmyurine was my bff.had a sleepover n reminisced about starbursts, ex's, poetry n metallic rainbow eyelashes o.O8:07 PM Mar 26th from web
@VeronicaVoltage the lovely bones is suck7:44 PM Mar 26th from web in reply to VeronicaVoltage
spent the last 2 days watchin mermaids with "shellphones"..7:40 PM Mar 26th from web
@likesaeken wuuh hoppen? go home!! or go here!! ask the tree about ND lawn tix if she's timber-- lolll if you dont get that you are suck7:37 PM Mar 26th from web in reply to likesaeken

can't figure out loudtweeter shrug

2009-03-23T03:17:58Z

Twats.

spicy falafel for dinnerrr num nummy. Swell Season cameos on The Simpsons tonight ;D26 minutes ago from web
used to have a heart worth a billion bucks, now it's shitty, shoddy cheapabout 1 hour ago from web
http://tinyurl.com/cnjl8jabout 18 hours ago from web
maybe if i smoke more cigs i can sing like that chick from nico vega. she's so rock n roll. it makes me wanna shoot up heroin lolabout 18 hours ago from web
its hellaa cold and rainin. just grabbed a cab home and it wasnt cheap -_-; still buzzin, not happy. think im gettin sick. need a hot showerabout 18 hours ago from web
painting my lips for no one. incredibly lonely for someone. just me and a bottle tonight to keep me warm and keep me sane.10:33 PM Mar 20th from web
@LanyD ^_^8:24 PM Mar 20th from web in reply to LanyD
@raytoro *bows down to Rayhovah*8:21 PM Mar 20th from web in reply to raytoro
oh the boy's a slag. the best you ever had. the best you ever had....7:34 PM Mar 20th from web
can feel it but i won't let it drag me down!2:18 AM Mar 20th from web
Everything's in order in a black hole. Nothin seems as pretty as the past though2:12 AM Mar 20th from web
dove chocolate easter eggs for dessert. painting nails waitin for ER to come on9:36 PM Mar 19th from web
bowtie pasta w/veggies and italian soy sausage for dinnerr8:20 PM Mar 19th from Tweetree
@shibbyshiksa Really Red. i almost picked that up! how do you like it? *is in love with cherries in the snow*7:54 PM Mar 19th from Tweetree in reply to shibbyshiksa
@likesaeken much better than the main drag. i has some yeahyeahyeah songs for you5:39 PM Mar 19th from web in reply to likesaeken
ER and Nico Vega on Carson Daly tonight. thurs is officially tv night since my trusty ole vcr betrayed me lol3:03 PM Mar 19th from Tweetree
song(s) of the day: Pouncer - The Blanks; Switch - Never Be a Better Love4:22 AM Mar 19th from web
@amandapalmer Alteril aint no joke.4:16 AM Mar 19th from web in reply to amandapalmer
spends way too much time with her insignificant other..4:11 AM Mar 19th from web
is a mufuckin sav!4:03 AM Mar 19th from web

non non non, Monsieur Renton

2009-02-19T05:40:57Z

The Soundtrack to Your Life Survey

Make a soundtrack for your life, matching songs with the following:

Opening song (Theme Song): "Badfish" Sublime

Waking up: "Slippin' Into Darkness" 2pac

First kiss: "Rich Girl" Gwen Stefani

Falling in love: "Your Love Has Got Me Trippin, Baby" Acid Flash

Heartbreak: "Lookin' At You" Ciara

Driving fast: "After Dark" Blue Oyster Cult

Getting ready to go out: "Chica Mi Tipo" Sublime

Partying with friends: "Act A Ass" E40

Dancing at a club: "Chicken Hawk II" Mack 10

Flirting: "Lonesome Organist Rapes Page Turner" Amanda Palmer

Feeling good: "Do You Like The Way" Santana feat. Lauryn Hill

Walking alone in the rain: "Paddle Out" Sublime

Missing someone: "Divine Intervention" Taking Back Sunday

Playing in the ocean: "Nothing to Fear (But Fear Itself)" Oingo Boingo

Summertime: "St Louie" Nelly

Fighting with someone: "Be Free" Black Eyed Peas

Instrospection: "Woe" Say Anything

Feeling depressed: "Drift" Vermillion Lies

Feeling Betrayed: "The Warning" NIN

Getting Cheated On: "First Orgasm" The Dresden Dolls

Falling asleep: "Our Lady of Sorrows-live" My Chemical Romance

Love of your life: "Suspicion (She Knows Me Too Well)" Van Hunt

Quiet moments: "Say You Want It All" Amel Larrieux

Nostalgia: "Dancing Through Sunday" AFI

Closing song: "Long Red Hair" Vermillion Lies

anyways i'm tired of vampire stories about love and elvis. give us bloodlust.

2009-02-19T04:52:43Z

Put your iTunes on shuffle or whatever and record the results. Don't cheat!

What do people assume when they first look at me?
Song: What To Do
Artist: Kelli Ali
Comment: people generally don't know what to do about me

What will be a big challenge in life for me?
Song: If I Fell
Artist: The Beatles
Comment: would i be able to get up without the help of life alert?

Am I a good boyfriend/girlfriend?
Song: Forever Mine
Artist: The O'jays
Comment: hahahha right

How will I die?
Song: The Ballad of Johnny Butt
Artist: Sublime
Comment: "johnny butt was a man with a real strong will to survive, he just kept pushing on even tho he was barely alive so shoot it up, shoot it up, it just don't matter. johnny says he wants to go do it says he wants to kill a cop" --hmmm...so either imma shoot up and OD or imma die tryn to pull a 187 on a muthafuckin cop LOL

Is someone trying to kill me?
Song: Bad Sects
Artist: Cursive
Comment: bad sex is trying to kill me O_O

What should I do instead of this quiz?
Song: Glamorous Life
Artist: Sheila E
Comment: amen

What is a bad habit that I should try to stop?
Song: Kingdom of Doom
Artist: The Good, The Bad and the Queen
Comment: mmm hmm

What's for dinner tonight?
Song: Feeling Good
Artist: MUSE
Comment: oh yes, matthew is on the menu tonight and i'm feelin good

How does the world see me?
Song: Baby Baby Baby
Artist: TLC
Comment: im a baby

Will I have a happy life?
Song: Start the Fire
Artist: No Doubt
Comment: i'm guessing no...

What do my friends really think of me?
Song: Because of You
Artist: The Cover Girls
Comment: makes no sense..

Do people secretly lust after me?
Song: Cocaine (We're All Going to Hell)
Artist: Strata
Comment: im like a drug and you are all goin to hell

How can I make myself happy?
Song: Magic Medicine
Artist: Incubus
Comment: A-fuckin-MEN! can i get a witness!!

What should I do with my life?
Song:Glass of Water
Artist: Coldplay
Comment: apparently im gay now cuz i listen to coldplay

Why is life full of so much pain?
Song: My Doorbell -white stripes cover
Artist: Dresden Dolls
Comment: seriously people, go away

How can I maximize my pleasure during sex?
Song: Pawn Dub
Artist: Sublime
Comment: k

Will I ever have children?
Song: Arizona
Artist: Mark Lindsay
Comment: haha HELL YEA! i thought that one wasnt gonna work but--LYNZAY!!! yes. i will have her babies.

Will I die happy?
Song: This Was All A Bad Idea
Artist: Zolof
Comment: isnt zoloft an anti depression drug?....and i guess it was a bad idea, so...

What is some good advice for me?
Song: Their System Doesn't Work For You
Artist: Anti-Flag
Comment: it's true

What is happiness?
Song: Bad Lands
Artist: The Grouch and Zion I
Comment: local slanguage for the city of oakland so...my hometown?

What is my favourite fetish?
Song: Southside
Artist: Scarface
Comment: ?

How will I be remembered?
Song: Desert Song
Artist: My Chemical Romance
Comment: aww.

How do I get more sex?
Song: Lunacy Fringe
Artist: The Used
Comment: love will burn a hole right thru my eye.

Nothing Left to Say

2009-02-06T14:41:25Z

Love was so strong
At least in the beginning
Who would've thought
There'd ever be an ending
We had it all
But it's like we've run into a wall

Now we try to talk
but just end up fighting
Try making up
but there's just no denying
Just ain't the same no more
What are we putting ourselves through all this for?

You talk and hear me
but you can't communicate
Cause you're not listening
know these are two different things
Now I see what it means to have been
blinded by the one you love so deeply
cause,

The very things that made me love you
Are the things pushing me away (now)
In tears we stand here with
nothing left to say

And all I could do for you
I should've done before (now)
In tears we stand here
There's nothing left to say

You touched my heart
and were so giving
Spirit so free
You drew me in and
I fell so deep
I could not see my life without you in it

(Boy) you gave me
A lot of attention
Somehow the feeling turned
into crazy possessive
It was always there
But I didn't look deeper
If I would've I'da seen the limits

Oh You talk and hear me
but you can't communicate
Cause you're not listening
know these are two different things
Now I see what it means to have been
blinded by the one you love so deeply

I had my pride
and you had your pain
So deep inside you
wanted to have your say
Irritated, frustrated and hurt
Baby this is so confusing
Cause I thought this was the real thing for sure

The very things that made me love you
Are the things pushing me away (now)
In tears we stand here with
Nothing left to say

All I could do for you
I should've done before (now)
In tears we stand here
There's nothing left to say

I wish I had my word
to try and encourage
us to find a way
cause there's nothing left to say

The very things that made me love you
Are the things pushing me away (now)
In tears we stand here
with nothing left to say

And all I could do for you
I should've done before (now)
In tears we stand here
There's nothing left to say

Baby, there's nothing left to say

jet black new year

2009-01-05T11:30:02Z

starting now. -by ingrid michaelson

i want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
i want to shut out all the lights in this room
i want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
scrub away all these thoughts that i think
of you...

so life moves slowly, when you're waiting for it to boil
feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
still want to hold you, and kiss behind your ears
but i recount the countless tears that i lost
for you...

before you finally go (before you go)
there's one thing you should know:
that i promise-

starting now
i'll never know your name
starting now
i'll never feel the same
starting now
i wish you never came
into my world

i want to crawl back, inside my bed of sin
i want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin
instead i'll wash them, just like kitchen rags with stains
spinning away any piece that remains
of you...

but before you finally go (before you go)
there's one thing you should know:
that i promise-

starting now
i'll never know your name
starting now
i'll never feel the same
starting now
i wish you never came
into my world

it's my world, it's not ours anymore (it's my world)
it's my world, it's not ours anymore (i mean this)

starting now
i'll never know your name
starting now
i'll never feel the same
starting now

it's my world
i wish you never came
into my world
starting now
into my world
starting now
into my world
starting now.

Stardust

2009-01-04T11:35:18Z

sometimes i wonder why i spend the lonely night
dreaming of a song
the melody haunts my reverie
and i am once again with you
when our love was new
and each kiss an inspiration
but that was long ago
now my consolation is in the stardust of a song

A Short History of Nearly Nothing

2008-09-18T08:07:39Z

Astronaut

is it enough to have some love
small enough to slip inside a book
small enough to cover with your hand
because everyone around you wants to look

is it enough to have some love
small enough to fit inside the cracks
the pieces don’t fit together so good
with all the breaking and all the gluing back

and i am still not getting what i want
i want to touch the back of your right arm
i wish you could remind me who i was
because every day i’m a little further off

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

and is it getting harder to pretend
that life goes on without you in the wake
and can you see the means without the end
in the random frantic action that we take

and is it getting easy not to care
despite the many rings around your name
it isn’t funny and it isn’t fair
you’ve traveled all this way and it’s the same

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

i would tell them anything to see you split the evening
but as you see i do not have an awful lot to tell
everybody’s sick for something that they can find fascinating
everyone but you
and even you aren’t feeling well

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought

but you are, my love, the astronaut
flying in the face of science
i will gladly stay an afterthought
just bring back some nice reminders

Yes you are, my love, the astronaut
crashing in the name of science
just my luck they sent your upper half
it’s a very nice reminder
it’s a very nice reminder

...and you may be acquainted with the night
but i have seen the darkness in the day
and you must know it is a terrifying sight
because you and i are living the same way

scribble_betz @ 2008-09-07T02:46:00

2008-09-07T09:43:47Z

soberness sucks.

scribble_betz @ 2008-08-15T00:43:00

2008-08-15T07:37:36Z

i'm growing increasingly weary of
justifying your intentions
you're bleeding me dry
infiltrating my head with maybes and so whats...
we can still try

it's all i can tolerate
and you take too much out of me
you're wearing out my high
and my heart, it sees red

and i blame myself
for letting you control me
for wanting you to hold me

alternating lust and love
exchanging sex for patience
it's more than i have to give
there’s no time left to wait for wanting nothing more than something worth waiting for
it's more than i bargained for

infinity is nonexistent
we're drawing out our time
dealing out the poison
that cursed the twisted lives we lead
intertwined in
a web further entangled to trap
all of me. all for you.
all of you
so persuasive that we've even misled ourselves
and we're drawing out our time

scribble_betz @ 2008-08-12T02:02:00

2008-08-12T09:30:46Z

"i've lost my fear of falling"

"He says somebody else has already said it best...

2008-08-07T01:03:45Z

So if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong."

i've been at a loss for words and the ability to complete functional sentences lately. so i let lyrics and songs speak and sing for me.

Spay Me

I fucked someone with words, broke a promise
You forgave but you won't forget
I pray the day will come, when you see I was numb 'til you burned me with your cigarette
But each fight leaves my vocal chords shattered
I sing with my gums spiked with glass
I pray and I beg like a dog, hump your leg 'til you spay my sorry, broke ass

Singin': Why do you, always have to
push me far away from you? All I want is to stay with you
So naive, each time you leave
I always still believe in you
Know that I'm holding you down
Now you're out on the town
The courage you found..found..found
is spitting in spite of me
Leaving me dead on the ground

Cater to me or I'll punch myself until my face is blue

Later you'll be just as sorry as me for the things you do

If I'm an arrogant prick
Shittin' out heart attacks
Then you're the queen of the damned: feelingless, devoid of tact
Hey I'm the crazy one here!
I'm dying of a deep regret
But I can't stand these nights I've spent
alone, awake, begging
Tearing my face apart like cheap leggings
I'm sorry my love, I'm gone
You keep eggin' this on
I'm gone, I'm gone, I'm gone

[Pack my shit up and go, I'm getting wasted]
What did I just do...
[Pack my shit up and go, I'm gonna face this]
What did I just do...]
[Pack my shit up and go, I'm getting wasted]
What did I just do...
[Pack my shit up and go, I'm gonna face this]
What did I just do....

Most Beautiful Plague

Baby!
You don't wanna make me cry
Or I will fill you with the emptiness inside

Okay! Alright!

Baby!
You don't wanna say goodbye
Or I will soak you in this rich formaldehyde

Cause you're beautiful tonight
and the stars are burning bright
And I give this curse to you
Like there's nothing else to do

So let the purple sky explode
Let it shower us with toads
Let the scarlet river flood
So it can drown us all in blood

I just hope you don't
hope you don't

It's funny.
How crazy that you make me feel sometimes
I'm so broken
I can barely even rhyme

Okay! Alright!

Honey!
It's crazy that you take up all my time
Got me sippin' on a gross amount of wine

But you're beautiful tonight
and the stars are burning bright
And i give this curse to you
Like there's nothing else to you

So let the purple sky explode
Let it shower us with toads
Let the scarlet river flood
Let it can drown us all in blood

Tonight, I guess, I'm human
So thank you for fighting
And havin' sex with me

Oh!

up too early or too late?

2008-07-19T12:32:29Z

both. i fell out earlier and now i can't get back to sleep...so...
bored...
what...to write...about...
Oh, Sara Bareilles was nothing short of A-mazing. I knew the girl could sing but her studio recordings do her talents no justice. Her voice live is mind-blowing and heartwarming. So beautiful. I do love her lol My words fail me. I'm horrible at describing or even recalling things so I could never write a proper review. Which pretty much sucks because I would so love to step up as *airquotes* VP and be able to actually contribute to Bellatrixx's webzine...[insert shameless plug here: Sound-Is-Noise.net check it out if you are so inclined. i do not remember how to do the whole clickity linky thing so i'll probably edit that tomorrow...] As I think I was about to say, the concert was filled at the legendary Fillmore. Since I never remember shit, I can't wait for that dvd's release for so I may relive the night all over again and hopefully NOT see myself on video lol
I bought a Sara shirt with the words ~~LOVE SONG~~ scratched out on the front..heh...ain't that perfect? *rolls eyes* if only...
I wanted the one that said somethin' like, "Hi, my name is Sara and I love you but I'm not gonna write a song about it." hahaha, but it was pink..meh..
i am very sad for i just discovered that i broked my favorite piece of ear decoration. yes, i cry over fake jewelry. i'm just not a diamonds and pearls kinda girl. not to say that i don't enjoy having massive amounts of moneys spent on me. i am a bit of a sentimental gold digger but i prefer quantity over quality. more bang for your buck...lol no i don't....and wtf am i talking about?? i think i'm falling asleep again. good night, computer.

It's hard to keep my soul on the ground...

2008-07-19T03:18:58Z

I’m gettin’ faded with Bradley on my side
Expressing emotions that I wish to no longer hide
He fills my ears with musicality
That soothes my mind of self-imposed insanity
From his voice I may borrow his sweet sweet soul
Momentarily rectifying a soul left unwhole
The cd ends, as does my reverie
And I'm forced to press rewind for another chance to be
Something other than what I’ve made of myself on this earth
Another high I must indulge to get by, for what it’s worth
I take in another hit, a line, a shot to remedy all that is wrong
It won’t be long till it’s gone,
But life is Sublime in his song.

Blue pills and brown liquid is not a good fix.

2008-07-09T03:12:27Z

Yakkin’ up word vomit on a blank page.
Makin' a mess of the truth. The thing about gettin' faded is you disregard “Regret” even though He lingers in the back of your mind and threatens to be your wake-up call the next day. But nothing matters when you’re high. I guess that’s the beauty of it.
I need to let go before I lose everything.

Reasons to get up in the morning:
-cereal cocktails in my favorite disney bowl/mug
-being one day closer to this wretched season being over
-i can’t think of anything else at the mo’..

Reasons to go back to sleep:
-because it eliminates the tendency to “medicate this rage” lol
-because its easier to dream than to live.

*to the tune of It’s a Metaphor, Fool by Say Anything, “All you are to me is dead skiiin, flaking off my hands ontooo the pavement!”*--
All you are to me is eraser dussst, blowin off the paper ontoooo the carpet!
Hahahaha. Thru all this I can still make myself laugh at the stupidest shit. I’m such a dork.

Keepsake Box

2008-07-09T02:55:11Z

You're so precious.

I should lock you away
in a keepsake box
and only take you out to play

On vicarious occasion

But I carry you in my pocket
'Cuz I just can't resist
Wasting away

Stolen moments with you

The price will be paid
I'm broken but happy
with my hopeful mistake

And a hand full of candy

Leading the way
Copping thrills off the streets
Indulging on sweets

Beating my heart

Racing thru weeks
Markin’ off months
’Til the warranty expires

Seasons will change

Leaving nothing but a bitter
taste in my mouth
Past your expiration date

Rotting away

And I'll bury you deep
discard of the key
lock away your memory

In a box I won't keep.

"the beauty that i'm fakin' lets me live my life like this"

2008-07-09T02:42:48Z

I won’t be great. But I’ll get better.
I wanna be better. Because of you.
Because of ALL OF YOU.
I still love you all. Despite my hatred
for my own disgraceful life.
my sins are none. my sins are fun. my sins have won.
Forgive me
for not being a better
Friend, daughter, aunt, cousin, sister, lover
liar
You see right thru me. But I’ll continue lying to make you feel better.
To spare you my pain.
To spare you my shame.
I hope it’s working.
I’ll sing you a song if you tell me I can.

This poison’s my intoxication
I broke the needle off in my skin
Picked the scabs and picked the bleedin’
And assumed that it was all in vain
Positive scab that’s never healin’
Calloused--hit me in the face
A burnin’ bridge that’s so misleadin’
The poison’s more potent now with the flame!

Let it bleed!
Take the red for what it’s worth whoaaa
Watch the fire!
Fill your lungs with smoke for the last time
If you feel like dyin’ you might wanna sing

The fire department couldn’t drown the city
They didn’t even try to wash it clean
And what did you think? That I was sober
Put me out cuz I’m on fuckin’ fire
Positive scab that’s never healin’
Regret that I kept this clean
The most that I can do for you is keep on lyin’
It’s not a lie if you can let it sing

First the birds...

2008-07-06T11:12:45Z

To Bellatrixx: a poem inspired by the photograph of your Limited Edition TBPID XD!

The Black Pigeon Is Dead
I'm gonna build a birdhouse out of my MCR coffin
and sprinkle styrofoam outside of it
like little plastic sandwiches
to feed the birds
because *betz* hates birds
and then i'll put the dead bird inside the birdhouse
and it will be a coffin again x_X

Certificate of Death
Date: July 2, 2008
Deceased: bird
Location: outside of the birdhouse
Cause of Death: overexposure to plastic sandwiches
Date of Birth: unknown
Descendant: egg
Witness(s): mikeyway's fugly ass mask

The End.

P.S. all i have to say is THANK BOB. sweet relief.
happy happy, joy joy
sorry Mikey, but you put about as much effort into designing this as i did writing The Black Pigeon XDD

"i have a secret place.. inside my mind, where i keep hidden inspiration you won't find..."

2008-07-03T23:08:14Z

the morning uncovers truth
but the sun won't shine in here for awhile
not thru the blankets that blind the windows of
suspended dreams
satisfied, to say the least

i've been thinking for awhile that i should fly
i should fly
bump Sublime, crank the volume up high
up high
get high and drive i'll get high and i'll drive
i'll get high...
and i'll fly
up with Bradley and Lou i'll fly
higher than the skies

it's time to give up on dreams and give in to reality.

2008-07-02T10:58:58Z

i'm not ready for this. memories taunt me. what shoulda been woulda been if only i hadn't...wasted. wasted. i'm so wasteful. how will i ever save the world...or my own life. i empty my pockets for the worth of a moment's pleasure that leaves me broke..broken. i make no sense because i am senseless. i fold. hidden beneath layers that aren't my own. suffocated. faded. twisted and elated. i only write when i twist my brain with crystals or liquid. twisted.. every other word that comes out of my twisted mouth. none of it. is. relevant. irrelevant. the truth you seek within the layers of the folds in which i lie. i lie to myself to get by. to make it ok. to survive another day. i'd be better off without me. we'd be better off if you could see right thru me. if only you never knew me...then i could continue pretending it would be ok to disappear into the background like i didn't exist. take me out of your world so i can take pity on my own. i'm not ready for this.

The Queen of Incomplete Thoughts

2008-06-29T08:50:55Z

The Queen of Incomplete Thoughts
I know nothing of love
I destruct with self-hate
A veteran of self-afflicted emotional pain
Destroyer of love
Bearer of shame
Hopeless dreams unrealized with no one to blame but...

I am also the Queen of Self-Diagnosis
I self-diagnose..
and I self-medicate
(nothin' like a liquor store or street prescription...)

the blue ones help me fall

2008-06-29T08:38:11Z

You were there for me when no one else was and i should appreciate that. but you only make me feel worse about myself. but that's probably my own fault because i can't shake the feeling that i'll never be good enough for you. i can't keep running back to you with no guarantee that i can depend on you. you're just another wall i keep bouncing off of. we like to play but its gonna take a hell of a lot more effort to make this work. maybe that's all we wanted from the get-go, that's all it's supposed to be-- but ..it's just not good enough anymore. i have to let go of myself or let go of you. if you're not mine to keep then why do you keep me? if i can't hold onto you then you must release me. your grip is strong but i fear the strength is more physical than emotional and i just can't...
i can't keep up this charade. i'm makin' up all the rules but you're still winning.

adult swim

2008-06-26T08:36:00Z

When I was little I watched cartoons in the mornings with a bowlful of colorful cereal.
Now I watch cartoons past midnight with a bottle of brown liquid.

...Love on the rocks.

How's this for poetism: My heart is fragile to the touch for it is but a hollow shell.

lol

cartoons make me miss him.. cuz we're.. HOW OLD?? geezus.
goodnight.

Poison cures our sick minds

2008-06-26T05:52:49Z

wake to dream
sleep to escape
to live is a nightmare, that i cannot bear
i lie dormant inside my beating heart
i walk death outside my bleeding life
fill my lungs with poison
each sweet inhalation, a measured breath urging me closer to sure suicide
drown my blood in liquor
bleed into my brain and make my mouth speak words,
i never wanted you to hear....

i can't even fucking write anymore. i don't think i even wanna try to quit anymore because.. i don't think i care. what's the point if i'm fucked either way? i've tried to stay clean. i walked a straight line for years. that road didn't lead me anywhere..but to alcoholism.

i'm so fucking sick and tired of feeling sorry for myself. it's getting too hard to get out of bed again. to open my eyes. to speak..or even write. i listen to stories of other people's depressing lives and i often wonder if they really know how THIS feels. They probably have it a lot worse than i do but at least--at least what?.. at least they're not me??
I wish i could write...i wish i could say...i wish--a lot of things, i won't even get into that.
am i not allowed to be happy? to fall in love? to feel normal? to feel good without pumping this poison into my blood? Really there's probably nothing preventing all of this but myself--and I'll never get my self right. Physically, mentally, emotionally...I'm wrecked. Scarred for life.

I had a new realization when i forced my eyes open today.
That maybe i don't even need someone to fall in love with me. i want to fall in love with myself. Am i truly that self-centered? maybe. But I'll never be good enough for anybody unless i approve of me first. Ok maybe that wasn't much of an epiphany. It's pretty much just saying, "you can't love if you don't love yourself."
and i already knew that.

i don't miss anyone right now but..Me. where the fuck did she go? she's dead. she's a fucking zombie. maybe that's why He likes her so much. cuz he's a fucking necrophiliac.

wasted rhyming is fun

2008-06-22T22:44:35Z

i am a chemical receptacle. i am your chemical romance ...XD

i started writing a shitty poem about sara bareilles because it turns out homegirl knows exactly what i'm talking about.

Spent an afternoon
Buying my time
Sara Bareilles graced my speakers
With a bottle of wine
A toast and a sip enhanced
Each word expressed
Between the lines
Tinkled glass on black and white
Keys
Accented sweet
Decorative and elegantly
Colorful painted melodies
Little voice, strong and sure
Delicately discrete and pure
Ringing true to every beat
turns out she knows precisely what my heart meant
when i said
i don't believe in love
when i said
i love you

---uh...yea. it sounded better yesterday with that bottle of wine lol
there's something here i like. i'll probably fix it later..or not...